by Marjolaine Tremblay
Let me preface this advice by acknowledging that there are very few situations where hitting on your waitress is cool. 99 times out of 100, it’s pathetic, creepy, and intolerably awkward.
The ironic thing is, most men agree, but they do it anyway. They’re convinced that by some miracle of statistics, their scenario represents the 1%. You don’t need to be a statistician to know that it does not. Alas, hubris has no closer friend than testosterone.
She’s caged, dude. She isn’t asking how your Budweiser tastes because she cares; she’s asking because she has to. And the smile? It isn’t because she wants to suck your cock (I know, shocking). She has bills. Rent’s due next week, and she probably just blew all her cash on something stupid like rave tickets or eyelash extensions.
Telling you to fuck off, like she would in the real world, really isn’t an option.
That said, there may be occasions where you are so charmed, so hopelessly beguiled, that impassivity also fails to seem like an option. Fine, go for it. But before you do, consider the following:
Age is just a number, right? Wrong. We all know that saying is just for pedophiles and gold diggers. If you’re going to hit on your waitress, make sure the attempt is age-appropriate.
Since most of them are between 18 and 24, your best bet is to be between 22 and 28. I’m spitballing here, but those numbers seem about right. If you’re under 30, anything is fair game (no, that does not include the hostess, you fucking creep). If you’re over thirty, stick to the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. That seven’s fairly loose though, if you make enough money.
If you’re drinking, make sure it’s something vaguely masculine. You don’t need to sip whiskey neat, just make sure it isn’t something disqualifyingly girly. Nobody wants to fuck the guy who spends $11 on a blueberry vodka breezer. Just order a beer, and don’t ask her any stupid questions about where it’s brewed or how “hoppy” it is. She has no idea, and you don’t really care. Stop showboating.
And remember, it’s only “liquid courage” if you’re doing something legitimately courageous—trust me, this isn’t. It’s fine to have a buzz going, but if you’re too polluted to type her number into your phone, you shouldn’t ask for it.
Remember that thing I said about hitting on your waitress being intolerably awkward? Yeah, multiply that by infinity for every family member that you’re with. Why would you subject your beautiful mother and sister to an impending train wreck? Are you drunk? Revisit the previous paragraph and find some new drinking buddies, you clown.
Ideally, you’re at this place alone, absentmindedly gazing out the window or writing a novel or something like that. Have a laptop or notebook to sell the look. Act unaffected and aloof whenever she approaches the table, like you don’t care who your waitress is or whether you’re served at all. You’re too busy working on that novel *wink-wink, nudge-nudge*.
If you are with people, try to make sure they’re friends or colleagues who won’t get offended by a little sport shooting. If they’re men, it helps to be better looking than they are. If they’re women, it really helps if they’re better looking than your waitress.
Is she in yours? You’ve nearly read this entire article, so the chances of you being an 8 or above are pretty low.
*clunky robot noises*
The numbers have been crunched: you’re a 5.5, and she’s a 9
But you’re going to do it anyways. Keep reading.
This part actually isn’t as consequential as most people would think. If nothing above has dissuaded you, then you’re either incredibly dumb, legally blind, or in a great position to get this girl’s number. If she’s into you, she’s into you, and it won’t be because of some silky pickup line or charismatic banter. You could probably just hold your phone out in front of her with the contact page open. If you’re in the 1%, she’ll know what to do, and she’ll do it.
Again, if you’re still reading, what’re the odds that you’re in the 1%?